Guest Blog: Speaking of Girl Talk and laughing together...

For those of you who have not been a part of the Girl Talk connect group, I want to encourage you to jump in and make it a priority the next season connect groups are going.

For Laura's group, I would hide in the back bedroom with Ali (our Golden Retriever) while the ladies had fun in the front of the house. From where I was, you couldn't hear the goings-on, but I sure could hear the laughter. And there was a TON of it. Sometimes they would all get to laughing so much it made me laugh just hearing them! I was rejoicing in my spirit knowing that the memories and friendships that were starting, growing, and strengthening were all to God's glory.

When we 'do life' together, friendships are developed and those are the bonds that hold us up when we go through the valleys that Christ spoke of, which are sure to come at some point. We all have the potential to take ourselves and this life too seriously at times, and getting together with friends is a great way to keep everything in perspective and stay grounded. If we are not celebrating and loving this life that Christ died so that we could prosper in, what else is there. How are we a testimony to God's love and blessings if we are beat down and overcome by the world?

Tonight was the wrap up party for Girl Talk, and I can say that from the laughter and fun that I could hear from the other end of the house - those ladies really know how to laugh together! I am sure that every lady present over the last few weeks has had to make sacrifices to be here, but as Jen said in Girl Talk “I don’t want to breathe my last breath filled with regret. I don’t want to say, “I wish I had …”

Girl Talk: Laugh Together

In my opinion, one of the things girls do best together is LAUGH! You can catch us sharing funny stories over dinner, or giggling at the check-out line together. We know how to have fun, laugh until we cry and can be just plain silly with each other. And it’s okay - more than okay. It’s enjoying life together. It’s making memories.

Girls, it is so important for us to spend time with girlfriends laughing and enjoying life together. There are so many ways you can ‘set the scene’ for a little fun: Girls’ Night Out, run a 5k together, check out a movie, tell funny stories or jokes over dinner. With a little extra planning, you could organize a sleepover, rent a log cabin for a night, or take a road trip together. There you have all the ingredients you need to get started; the rest just comes natural.

The key is to purpose to do it. Purpose means to set as an aim, intention, or goal for oneself. We all have crazy schedules, along with 50 other really good excuses about why we can’t, or don’t have time. But the old adage is true; you will make time for what is important to you. And Girls, this should be important to you. Why should this be important to you?

Jen had this to say in Girl Talk: “I don’t want to breathe my last breath filled with regret. I don’t want to say, “I wish I had …” I want a life full of memories and albums full of pictures. I want my old, wrinkled, gray-headed girlfriends to sit on the porch with me and laugh about our adventures. I want to show my grandchildren pictures of me and my friends standing in Times Square, arms linked. I want to run this race for the prize of unity, laughter, and a fully lived life.”

I want that. I want no regrets. I want friends to the end. And I want to leave a legacy for my daughter to have godly girlfriends who will love her, laugh with her, and go the distance with her until the very end.

Don’t you?

It’s never too late to start living life to the fullest, and making memories you will cherish forever. I’m praying for you this week; that you will purpose to make it happen! And although I can’t see your beautiful faces, God sees, and He knows exactly what you need right now. I trust Him to minister to each of you right where you are.

Girl Talk: Give Grace

Have you ever had a friend that you seemed to be polar opposites with? Maybe she was passionate about her career, and you felt strongly about not working outside the home. You love this part of town, she likes the other. You differ on child-rearing issues, political views, and the list goes on. Well, we all have our ‘bents’ or preferences that make us who we are, and this gives us a great need for grace!

Girl Talk excerpt: “Dear Girls, let your friend be herself. She doesn’t have to be you. You may not agree with her, but give her grace in her preferences as long as they aren’t hurting her. If she thinks this and you think that, it’s okay! Let’s widen the space we live in together. It is the immature heart that won’t allow for diversity. It’s probably not that you are so against her ideas, but her differing opinion feels like an indictment on your own. Maturity understands that her choices are not about you. Resist the urge to project them in to your experience and celebrate them in her life instead.”

Here’s what the Bible has to say about our differences:

Colossians 3:12-13 “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.”

There will likely be times in friendships when one person messes up and blows things. Our first instinct usually is to put down or push away the other person. But what we really need to do is bite our tongues and do away with the sarcastic remarks we feel like saying. This is when we should forget about defending ourselves and our position, and instead we put our arms around our friend’s neck and offer her grace. The grace to just be herself, and to just be your ‘safe’ friend.

Girls, we need to understand that we are not each others’ enemy. But we do have an enemy who will give us places to stumble whenever he can, and when our friend walks into the trap, she is often left filled with shame and regret. So we must forgive as Jesus did, offer grace and hold our friend up, and move on together.

Think about it … what if you were the friend that blew it? Wouldn’t you want that same grace and forgiveness offered to you?

God’s plan is for us to have safe friends that will go the distance with us, and He is more than able to heal the hurts that we cause each other. Girls, is there a friendship you have pushed away from because of hurt feelings or differing opinions? Is there a situation where grace was not extended, and you feel distanced from your friend? If so, pray and ask God to help you with those feelings. Ask Him to fill you with mercy and grace, and to help you forgive your friend and to receive forgiveness from her as well.

Girl Talk: Give Time

Welcome Back Girls - I missed you last week. This next week we will focus on Friendship Builders; things we can and should do to build strong friendships. One of the most important ways we can build great friendships, is by spending time together. This is so fundamental, because it is the only way we will truly get to know each other. That is when we recognize that we can identify with each other – in so many ways!

Girls, we must be willing to invest our time in friendships if we expect to have the heart-to-heart, deep relationships that we desire. It’s not going to ‘just happen’ – we have to purpose to and devote ourselves to have great friendships.

As Jen says in Girl Talk, “Time together affords women immense relief because it allows us to become aware of the many things we have in common. You can’t get to school on time either? Your kids are fighting like Nazi’s, too? You’re suffocating in guilt like I am?. We learn from each other. There is nothing we are completely alone in.” “Outside of time together, we can’t experience this camaraderie. Women begin to feel isolated, shamed: Surely no one feels like I do. I’m the only one who struggles with this. God brings us together, and there is marvelous unity in our common ground. It becomes holy ground.”

Friendships that are healthy can offer so much: laughter, support, companionship, encouragement, etc. Sometimes it’s helping you to move forward when you can’t do it yourself: cooking a meal, keeping your kids when you are sick, cleaning your house during the surgery of a loved one. Many times friends offer rest; a safe place to feel normal in the midst of chaos or tragedy. When nothing else is normal, a great friend will also help you to set boundaries so you can get back to what is normal again.

Plain and simple – we need each other. And if we are too busy to love each other and be that friend –then we are just too busy! We must love our friends and serve them with our time. Of course, there has to be a balance and our families will require more time than our friends. But we must make some time for those friendships.

Jen paints quite a picture for us in Girl Talk, “Time is the breeding ground for memories, inside jokes, stories. It is where you and I progress from knowing about each other to knowing each other. It’s how we make room for playing and laughing together. Time becomes service, offered through the loving hands of girlfriends. It is a string of moments in which we heal, grieve, grow. They are just minutes, but in them we find out we are not alone. You cannot put a value on that kind of discovery.”

I know for most of us, time is a major sacrifice, and it is the thing we have the least of to give away. Girls, the kind of friendships we are talking about here, are so worth the sacrifice. I know how busy we all are, and all the things we have left on our “to do” lists; the activities, the meetings, the laundry. But will it all crumble if you take an hour to have coffee with someone who needs encouragement? Will your house turn to ash while you have a 30 minute conversation with a friend? Maybe – just maybe, that 30 minutes will give you the encouragement you need to keep going when it feels like you can’t. What if that hour of coffee with a friend preserved your sanity and refreshed you to be a sweeter wife and more nurturing mom that afternoon?

So, here we have an opportunity to minister to one another through sacrifice, just as our Lord and Savior did for us. He gave up the very breath He had – He gave His life so we could be in relationship with Him. All we have to do is give up a little time to be in relationship with each other. So, what are you waiting for? Won’t you ask God to evaluate your time, and help you to have a healthy balance with it? Ask Him to show you what portion is good to give to your friends. Then call a friend, get out your calendar, and set a date! You’ll be glad you did.

Talk Like an Ephesian (To the tune of Walk Like an Egyptian :o)

Well Girls, we are officially over half way through our discussion on Girl Talk, and there have been some pretty intense topics along the way. Hang in there, because from here on out we focus on how to make our friendships better.

Yesterday we talked about speaking honestly in friendships, and today we’ll dig a little deeper with how that should ‘look’, according to God. We are venturing out of the Girl Talk book and primarily into the Bible for this one. I’ll add my comments along the way, and would love to hear yours as well – so be sure to leave your comments at the end (click on the word ‘comments’ at the bottom of this post). That would be a great way to learn from each others’ perspective. So, here we go …

Ephesians 4:20–24
“You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Now, if you have been a Christian for more than a few hours, you probably know first-hand how challenging it can be to ‘put off the old self’. Our minds and bodies have had lots of practice being the person we were before we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior. So it makes sense that we should re-train our minds and bodies to live the correct way in Christ.

Ephesians 4:25–27
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and give the devil a foothold.”

It’s clear that every one of us has an ‘old self’ that is going to be prone to falsehood (being untruthful) toward our neighbor. We are instructed to stop lying or distorting the truth. At times you might be angry, but you should resolve the matter by the end of the day. If not, you will be allowing the devil a place in your relationships.

Ephesians 4:29
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

This is a very high standard that we should all aspire to – speaking only healthy words. Wouldn’t you agree that it can be very hard to do? It’s so natural to speak ‘whatever’ comes to mind. That’s why it’s so important for us to renew our minds, so that ‘whatever’ comes to it will be wholesome in the first place!

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”

Do you know how to renew your mind? We renew our minds as we read the Bible. We renew our minds as we hear God’s Word. As we allow His Word to come into our minds, it teaches us the right way, changes the way we think, and causes us to be more like Jesus.

Ephesians 4:30-31
“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

So, when we hold on to the negative emotions of bitterness and anger, or when we speak negative, unhealthy words, we are grieving the Holy Spirit of God.

Have you ever thought about why this grieves the Holy Spirit?

Maybe there is more than one correct answer for this, but I found one that seems right to me. If we back up just a little and check out the verses just before where we started in Ephesians, we can see that Paul was giving instructions. He was instructing on how ‘not to be’. Let’s look at it.

Ephesians 4:17-18
“So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. (Gentiles, referring to those who aren’t Christians). They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.”

This says to me, that in their futile (useless, not good for anything) thinking, their hearts were hardened which separated them from God. I think that if we continually hold on to negative thoughts and emotions, such as anger and malice, our hearts will harden. It is certainly the opposite of renewing our minds, and therefore we become less like Christ in the process.

Ephesians 4:32
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.”

The Bible teaches us to forgive, and if we don’t, then God won’t forgive us for our sins (Matthew 6:14-15). If our sins aren’t forgiven, the sin separates us from God as well. This is another reason I believe it grieves the Holy Spirit.

It’s God’s plan for us to be kind and compassionate to each other. His desire is for us to have community and real relationships, and when we do that, we are creating unity in the body of Christ.

Would you take a minute and just think about these verses in Ephesians, and how they might apply to you? Do you find yourself reverting back to the ‘old way’ you used to speak? Are you holding on to some negative feelings toward a friend? Do you need to apologize or forgive someone?

If so, now is the time to take care of it – before the sun goes down again. God already knows – so right here, right now - just ask the Lord to help you. To help you forgive someone or sincerely apologize to a friend. Maybe you have been grieving the Holy Spirit and you want to ask God to forgive you for doing that. Whatever the situation is, God is waiting to forgive you and equip you to have the real relationships He designed just for you!

Girl Talk: Permission to Speak Honestly

Yesterday was all about gut-level communication in friendships, and today we will continue on that thread. When you have a friendship on that level of communication, your emotions come out into the open. For most of us, we think being that honest will bring tension into our relationships. Especially if we have a friend that is doing something that hurts us, and we are worried about what might happen if she found out how we really feel. We begin to cover up our true feelings, and by doing so we, “make a calculated decision not to speak openly because we attach a higher value on keeping the peace than on authenticity.” (Jen Hatmaker, Girl Talk)

The danger with just keeping the peace is that it is Satan’s secret for us. He knows that by not acknowledging the problem we don’t remain neutral at all. We begin to resent the hurtful actions or keep score as to how often it happens. All the while launching as assault on unity and ruing the relationship with our negative feelings.

Hmmm. That’s pretty intense to think about. Do you have a friend who is unaware of your inner struggle with her? Is there an attitude or habit that is driving a wedge between you and your friend?

Did you answer ‘yes’ to either of those questions? If so, what worries you about speaking the truth to your friend? Is your relationship working well under those conditions? Is your silence worth your heartache? And are you really doing your friend any favors by ignoring the problem? Is it helping her to grow?

It may be hard to imagine, but it is possible to speak truthfully and maintain love in friendships. Remember, Jesus came to us full of truth and grace. You can also offer grace while sharing a hard truth with a friend. And when you do, that opens the door for God to work on your behalf. Not only can God preserve your friendship, but He can use it to mature both of you and use you for His kingdom.

God did this very thing with Peter & Paul. They were very close friends who were at odds with each other over the Jews and their law (circumcision) versus the Gentiles and salvation. Not only were they in danger of allowing this to become a wedge between them, but the issue also threatened to split the early church. They eventually met with a council and discussed the honest issues, and through it the issues were resolved and their relationship was strengthened. God used it as a time of maturing them individually, and He fortified their friendship in the process.

Read about it for yourself:

Galatians 2:7-10 Peter & Paul – Brothers in Christ

Galatians 2:11-16 Circumcision vs. Salvation

Acts 16:6-12 God uses the honest conversation to for His purposes: to stretch them and preserve their friendship.

Girls, God can do the same in your relationships. Ask Him for wisdom, discernment, and kindness, and He will give you His favor.

Girl Talk: Opening Up

As we begin our fourth week together in Girl Talk, I pray that you are being challenged in your friendships – not only in what kinds of friends you have, but what kind of friend you are, too.

Opening up to another woman and talking with her beyond the casual conversation can sometimes be hard. But, I think we can all agree that talking is how women connect, and is at the very heart of women’s friendships. This is where we test the waters and little by little we build up trust in each other as we dialogue.

But sometimes if we have been hurt or betrayed by a friend, we allow ourselves to fall into the mode of self-protection. This is when we shrink back from truthful dialogue and we allow fear to keep us from future relationships.

In Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, John Powell discussed five levels of communication, ranging from the most guarded to total relational freedom (slightly condensed by me):

Level Five: Cliché Conversation
This is the conversation of the cocktail party, the club meeting, church lobby: “How are you? How’re the kids? I like your shoes …” There is absolutely no sharing of real self. It’s obligatory, polite chitchat, void of true connection.

Level Four: Reporting the Facts About Others
This is a small step forward, but we still expose almost nothing of ourselves. We talk about what she did and what they’re planning. It’s not about me or you, but them or that. Just the facts.

Level Three: My Ideas and Judgments
This is the first time we step cautiously out. I’ll tell you my conclusions on stuff. “I like this. I don’t like that. I think this about that.” This level is a little dicey though; we are watching the other person closely. (I think at this point, we base our next move on their reactions.)

Level Two: My Feeling (Emotions) “Gut Level”
This level is our goal. Surprisingly, there is much more to share after our ideas are broadcasted. It is our feelings about those things that truly communicate who we are. And it is here we progress to the deep end. “I think you are a great … and I really admire you.” Or, “I think you … and I’m jealous.” This gut-level communication is where it gets real.

Level One: Peak Communication
This is one step beyond gut-level communication and is not a permanent experience. This is the connection that happens between two people when they share a moment so perfectly … as in a crisis or victory. Each woman knows that her reactions are shared completely by her friend.

Can you identify with any of those levels? I think there are appropriate situations for each level, but remember, we are talking about friendships here. If you find yourself consistently operating at level three, four or five within your ‘friendships’, maybe you need to step it up a level.

As Jen says in Girl Talk, “There is a point, Dear Girlfriends, when we move from sharing the facts to sharing our lives. After safety is established and trust is earned, it is delightful to invite a friend into the knowledge of you. Paul was right. It is from this place that we truly begin growing in the body of Christ, as Jesus wanted to all along. We discover that our honesty is not a burden on each other, but a treasure. There is nothing more valuable you can offer your friend than yourself. Give it away.”

Paul is a great example of being a friend and opening up, even after being persecuted in some very hard ways. He still continued to share his heart and make those connections with others. You can read more about it in the Bible – 1 Thessalonians 2:1-8

Is there anyone that you share gut-level communication with? If not, what is holding you back?

Does anyone share gut-level communication with you? If so, how do you respond?

Be honest with God about how you feel about gut-level communication. Tell Him your concerns and ask for His insight. Allow God to minister to you as you listen.

Girl Talk: This Is The Beginning Of A Beautiful Friendship

Hey Girls! If you haven't already, make sure you scroll down and read the post on 'what not to do'. (For some unknown reason the email reminder did not work).

Have you ever heard that if you want a friend, you must first show yourself friendly? God creates dear friends and many times He allows this to happen through our hospitality to others.

If you are attending the connection group on Friday, we will talk about the beginning of beautiful friendships then, and how God uses our hospitality to do it.

Today I want to help you to begin to pray for those relationships that God is preparing for you right now. Just take a minute ... pray that you would be a person who is friendly - one who is worthy of being called 'dear friend'. Pray that God would show you how to do that. It's that simple.

Below I've included a prayer by Stormie OMartian, that can help you get started on praying for relationships. You can adapt it to cover friendship(s)that you need God's help with too, by inserting their name (God, I especially pray for my friendship with ___________). I encourage you to read it aloud, and let it be a prayer from your heart where you invite God to work in all your relationships, and allow Him to prepare you to be the 'dear friend' He has created you to be.


Lord, Guide me in all my relationships …
Lord, I lift up every one of my relationships to You and ask You to bless them. I ask that Your peace would reign in them and that each one would be glorifying to You. Help me to choose my friends wisely so I won’t be led astray. Give me discernment and strength to separate myself from anyone who is not a good influence. I release all my relationships to You and pray that Your will be done in each one of them. I especially pray for my relationship with each of my family members. I pray You would bring healing, reconciliation, and restoration where it is needed. Bless these relationships and make them strong.
Psalm 68:6 God sets the solitary in families; He brings out those who are bound into prosperity.

Taken from The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie OMartian

Girl Talk: What Not to Do

I believe we have all experienced at least one relationship that turned out to be unsafe – regardless of who made it unsafe (you or the friend). With that in mind, we probably all have learned a little about what not to do. Here are a few ‘what not to do’ strategies outlined by Cloud and Townsend in Girl Talk, along with a little of my own insight:

Poor Strategy #1: Doing the same old thing
Women are known to repeat patterns in relationships. Here’s one pattern: a girl with a controlling dad, dated controlling boys, went on to marry a controlling man, etc. Even when certain types of relationships are toxic to us, we somehow still gravitate toward them. We are likely to end up in the same place again and again unless we do something different. We should take a look at our failed relationships and ask ourselves, “Why?"

We should learn from our mistakes. Take a look at your history and ask yourself:

Are my friendship problems similar (control, guilt, gossip, etc.)?

Do my family and friends see a pattern?

What would God have taught you about your past choices if you had listened to Him?

Check out Proverbs 2:1-8 in your Bible. These verses tell us that it is our responsibility to get wisdom (knowledge of God). We are to turn our ear toward wisdom, apply our heart to understand it, and call out to the Lord for it. Check out the amazing benefits that come with it: the Lord gives wisdom, knowledge & understanding. He holds our victory, He is our shield, and He guards our course and protects our way.

WOW! Is all I can say.

Poor Strategy #2: Doing the opposite
I equate this strategy to being a knee-jerk reaction; when something goes wrong and we make an extreme move in the other direction. Ever been there? If you have then you probably know that it usually doesn’t solve anything – it just changes the scenery a little. There is almost always a different kind of problem waiting on the other end.

Proverbs 12:26 A righteous man is cautious in friendship …

There is much wisdom is being cautious. Let me give you a picture of what cautious might look like: You could take a survey of your relationships, identify what traits have wounded you, and use that to evaluate your current friendships as well as future ones.

Poor Strategy #3: Doing too much
Sometimes in our quest to find friends we think all we need to do is join a group, be part of a team or serve on an organization – and friends will come. Many times the problem with this scenario is that we become involved in a task or activity that is the priority – not building friendships. In these groups we can be surrounded with people who know our names, but do they know our hearts?

Read Ecclesiastes 4:7-10

It tells a story of a man who worked and toiled to no end, but he was miserable because he had no one to share it with – he was all alone because he never stopped working long enough to connect with anyone else.

Have you given up deep friendships for superficial activities that leave you lonely?

Poor Strategy #4: Doing nothing
If you are this person, even though you long for meaningful friendships, you are reluctant to do anything to make it happen. Maybe it’s because you are shy, have been scared or you just think no one wants to be friends with you. Whatever the case, you have got to do your part – and sometimes that means taking risks.

Proverbs 11:24-25 One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty. A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

Poor Strategy #5: Doing without
This is definitely Satan’s plan for you – ISOLATION! This is where hope is lost and lies are believed: You’re too damaged to have relationships, You aren’t spiritual enough, You can’t get it right …

And this is where Jesus is so real. He brings the promise of hope by adding wisdom to friendships. He offers us godly, safe women who will love us unconditionally. All we have to do is call out to Him – turn our ears to wisdom and hearts to understanding. Read Proverbs 2:1-8 again, this time as a prayer to God. Allow Him to help you move forward to the beginning of beautiful friendships.

Girl Talk: Safe People

I must admit, I am really enjoying this part – identifying safe people. After all, that really is what we all long for, isn’t it? To have a close friend that you can totally be yourself with, you can confide in her with your most private feelings, and you know it’s all gonna be okay. You know that what ‘happens here, stays here’ and the only time she will repeat your ‘stuff’ is when she is praying for you. “I’ll take 2 please!”

Although it may be hard to believe, there really are ‘safe’ friends out there. Sometimes it may take a little searching to find one, but it is possible to find a girlfriend who is compassionate, non-judgmental, and safe.

As we take another peek at Girl Talk by Jen Hatmaker, she has this to say:
“There is a safety that exists only among believers. Not that non-Christians can’t be good, even wonderful friends, but only believers can extend the grace they’ve experienced. A friend who belongs to Christ cares about you spiritually, and that alone will last. When you have to mask your faith, or lessen its value, you are on dangerous ground.”

“What happens when you tell an unbelieving friend about the sacrifice God is calling you to? The ministry He’s putting on your heart? … There is no safety there because that perspective is foolishness to those who don’t believe.”

None of us are perfect, but we must lock arms with girlfriends who can understand our faith and spur us on in the things of God. Christian Authors and Psychologists Cloud and Townsend define safe people as those who do three things – let’s check it out:

Trait #1: Safe people draw you closer to others
We can count on these friends to influence us by their example. They will challenge us to serve people better, have greater compassion, and to not be part of gossip. We need girlfriends who will nurture our bonds with others.

A safe friend:
*Makes you better in other relationships
*Counsels you toward forgiveness and reconciliation
*Resists gossip
*Loves other people well; not constantly at odds with others
*Is confrontable and not defensive
*Doesn’t make you feel judged around her
*Is not threatened by your other relationships
*Is willing to say “I’m sorry” if necessary
*Doesn’t gripe about others constantly

Do you or your friends bring people together – or reinforce their separateness?

Trait #2: Safe people help you become the woman God created you to be
This friend moves you closer to your purpose. She lovingly encourages you and doesn’t except your excuses as to why you can’t do something God has called you to do. She is committed to your purpose – maybe even before you are at times!

A safe friend:
*Inspires you toward good works
*Helps you become the woman God sees in you
*Lovingly confronts your issues – sin, fear, pride, whatever
*Helps you to be a better person just by knowing her
*Is a growing believer
*Encourages your development, but loves you no matter what
*Is not threatened by your success
*Is not disgusted by your failings
*Is honest about her own shortcomings; there is no pride

Do you help your friends mature, or do you stunt their growth with negativity? What direction would they go if you were their only influence?

Trait #3: Safe people draw you closer to God
This is a little different than helping us develop as we just talked about because some friends do push us to do good things, but not necessarily toward Christ. The safe friend will care about your relationship with God before any other area of your life.

Our closest friends, our inner circle, must be women who are sold-out for God. They will be the ones who ask the important questions like: What are you learning? What is God doing in your life? They will nurture your relationship with Christ by the passionate way they live in front of you. As Jen says, “They are wrinkles of godliness”.

A safe friend:
*Consistently helps you to become more like Christ
*Shows you who He is through her
*Influences you to spend time in the Word and in prayer
*Asks what you are learning
*Talks about what she is learning
*Loves God – no mistaking it
*Influences you to pray in new ways, just by being around her
*Lovingly confronts your sin, and you don’t feel judged
*Is forgiving
*Creates a hunger for God in you
*Doesn’t make you feel inferior around her

In your life, who has pushed you toward Jesus? How would your friends describe your relationship with God?

Safe friends are real girls who aren’t perfect – they have their own issues to deal with. Sometimes safe friends will make mistakes and may even let you down occasionally; they are just people. But in the end, their friendship helps you to be real, and they laugh with you all the way to godliness. I love the way Jen puts it, “They allow you to be on the outside, who you are on the inside, and that’s a gift. I beg you to receive it.”

If you already have safe friends, thank God for them. If you need safe friends, pray for them and ask God to help you. Then be expectant!

Girl Talk: Unsafe People

Hi Girls, I’m so glad you are joining us for week 3 of Girl Talk. So far we have chatted about God’s plan for friendships, and learned that truth is the foundation for every healthy relationship. We’ve uncovered lies we tell ourselves and God, and we’ve looked at a face-to-face encounter with Jesus. Now we are about to plunge into some of the nitty-gritty of friendships – where we will talk about safe and unsafe people – and how to make safe choices about our friendships. So, let’s jump in …

Mean girls. Do you remember how old you were when you learned that girls could be terrible to each other? Chances are, there was a specific time in your life when you came to the realization that not all relationships are safe. As we move forward, it’s critical to evaluate the friends we’ll be moving forward with. We need to be able to recognize unsafe people when we see them. Let’s look at the 3 types of unsafe people that Jen outlines in Girl Talk …

Unsafe People, Type #1: Abandoners
These are the friends who start a relationship but can’t finish it. In the beginning they are enthusiastic and so into us, but the second things aren’t easy, they are out of there! They don’t understand what a faithful relationship looks like because they have most likely been abandoned themselves.

We need friends who will go the distance with us. Friends who will stick around when things aren’t going our way; when our marriage is struggling, our kids are out of control, or the job throws us a curve ball. That’s when abandoners check out. And that’s also when a real friend checks in. She checks in to encourage you and remind you that you are the apple of God’s eye.

Warning signs of abandoners:
*Blames other people, God, anything else rather than taking responsibility for her life
*Stays angry and bitter
*Consumed with “I” instead of “you” or “we”
*Avoids closeness instead of really connecting
*You are the giver; she is the taker
*You walk on eggshells – feeling responsible for her stability
*Unstable with commitments in general
*Unable to function in a crisis

Unsafe People, Type #2: Critics
Taking on the parental role, this kind of girl will offer much condemnation, and she will call it ‘helpfulness’. Nothing is her fault and she is always right. There is little room for grace with her.

It’s true that we need a friend to challenge us, but that doesn’t mean we should be criticized. When one person is always elevated over another, that relationship is a fake. The key idea is balance; look for shared value, esteem and respect.

Warning signs of critics:
*Never admits her own weakness
*Cannot be confronted without responding with defensiveness
*Self-righteous, never humble
*Her opinions are law – and made well-known
*Does not respect a different opinion – withdraws emotionally or acts condemning
*Sees you as inferior and treats you that way
*You feel like a kid around her; you feel controlled and become compliant

Unsafe People, Type #3: Irresponsibles
You will notice that these friends can’t seem to take care of themselves or anyone else. Getting them to follow through is like pulling teeth. These friends may be super fun to hang out with, but they are simply not dependable; always late, always a mess, never standing by her word.

Let’s find friends who do what they say they will. Jesus said, “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and your ‘No’ be ‘No’” (Matthew 5:37). A promise made is worth nothing until the promise is kept.

Warning signs of irresponsibles:
*Often in financial crisis due to irresponsible spending
*Needs friends who will protect her and tell her what to do
*Avoids dealing with her problems
*Always flatters you and never confronts your actions
*You feel like her parent
*She frequently lets you down
*You apologize to others and make excuses for her
*You pick up her slack
*You resent her

Unsafe people make growing mutual relationships impossible. But, it does take two to make it work, and if we allow unsafe behavior, we can’t complain.

The smart believer evaluates her inner circle and makes careful girlfriend choices. Jesus chose 12 disciples, and he welcomed 3 even closer. We should follow His example: Jesus was kind and friendly to everyone, but He intentionally selected those who were closest to Him.

Now that you have an idea of what to look for, you are probably already comparing your friends or yourself to see which profile you fit: abandoner, critic, irresponsible. It would be wise to take some time and ask God what he thinks about your friendships. Pray for discernment for your current friendships, even if it’s painful. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you the toxic (unsafe) friends in your life, and to show you what to do about them. Also, pray that God would show you any unsafe behavior you have toward your friends, and be willing to let Him change you. God’s desire is for us to have healthy friendships, and He can help anyone to be a safe friend.

Girl Talk: Zaccheus was a wee little man

It may be kind of hard to tell from the title above, but we are still talking about being honest with ourselves and also with God. Before we can move forward, we have to get a handle on that. Let’s take a look at what getting real with Jesus looks like …

There is a story in the Bible about a really short guy named Zaccheus. You may have been introduced to him when you were small and in children’s church. Maybe you even sang this song:

Zacchaeus was a wee little man
And a wee little man was he
He climbed up in a sycamore tree
For the Lord he wanted to see
And as the Savior passed that way
He looked up in that tree
And He said, “Zacchaeus, you come down!
For I’m going to your house today
For I’m going to your house to stay”

You can read the entire story in Luke 19:1-9, but let me set the scene for you. Jesus knew his days on the earth were few, and as he was making his way to Jerusalem he made a stop in Jericho. Now Zacchaeus was a Jewish man who lived there as a chief tax collector for the Roman government. Tax collectors were known for charging more than was owed and pocketing the difference. Not only was Zacchaeus a tax collector – he was the chief of them all – and he was very wealthy. He was a cheat and the type of person that was despised among men.

Even still, Zacchaeus wanted to see Jesus. He obviously had heard of Jesus’ gentleness, forgiveness and love for all people. So, Zacchaeus wanted to check out Jesus, but only from a distance. Was this Jesus safe, would he still accept me if he knew the truth about me? As Jesus approached the tree and spoke to him, Zacchaeus was compelled to respond to the face-to-face encounter with Jesus.

Luke 19:8 But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”

Zacchaus' first response to Jesus was a confession. Under all the sins, all the selfishness, we can see there is a tenderness inside. We all have it. We long to be real with Jesus, but admitting all our issues seems too much to handle. Have you ever felt like Zacchaeus? Are you afraid of a face-to-face encounter with Jesus?

(Excerpt from Girl Talk) It’s not scary for the real you to stand in front of Jesus, either. In Scripture, Jesus welcomed every honest sinner, no matter the sin. He loved each one fiercely. There is no condemnation … there is only forgiveness and wholeness.

Oh, Girls, that moment of truth is worth every moment of freedom that comes after it. It’s such a relief to say the worst thing about yourself and find Jesus still standing there, arms open. And here is where we begin because we learn about safe relationships. We discover the joy of being accepted. We find out that Jesus doesn’t leave or condemn.

And when we experience this place of grace, we learn to extend it to our other relationships. We learn to choose forgiveness over bitterness, compassion over selfishness, mercy over judgement, honesty over pretending. When our friendships mimic our relationship with Jesus, there is delight unheard of. We become a community of grace …

Are you ready to get real?

Girl Talk: Lies We Tell God

If you’ve been in or around church for a while, you probably know all the churchy language, the right things to say, the right things to pray. But, how many of us really mean the words we have become accustomed to repeating?

I am picking up where we left off yesterday from the book, Girl Talk, where Jen talks about the lies we tell God.

Lie To God #1: I believe You
Often we sing to God, or say a prayer to Him like: “You are so good, God. We believe in You.” But, how often do we really think about the meaning of the words and say them with our hearts?

Ecclesiastes 5:1-2 (NKJ) Walk prudently when you go to the house of God; and draw near to hear rather than to give the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they do evil. Do not be rash with your mouth, And let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth. Therefore let your words be few.

This simply encourages us to listen when we are in God’s house, rather than enter with many words (as fools do) that have little meaning behind them. Additionally, we are advised not to make hasty vows that we often cannot keep. In Ecclesiates 5:5 the Bible says that it is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.

Lie To God #2: I feel ____________ about community
Sometimes this is more of a lie of omission. We do this when we talk to God about all the issues or areas in His Word that we are good in, but we ignore the subject of community or anything that involves relationships with other believers.

We were created to thrive in relationships. And to that point, many times when we cry out to God for help in certain areas of our lives, He will point us to those we have community with…

God, help me with my marriage (Let My people surround you)
Lord, I’m struggling with depression (Find healing in My church)

How might God want to use community in your biggest struggle right now?

God’s ways can be trusted. And the truth is, He already knows how you feel. So why not open up and share with Him about how you honestly feel? When you do, He can work in your heart and He will win you over with truth. He will help you to put the lies behind you; the lies you tell yourself and the ones you tell Him. Mercy awaits you.

Proverbs 28:13 (NIV) He who conceals his sin does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

Girl Talk: Lies We Tell Ourselves

Many of us are terrified of community. Webster Dictionary defines community as:

“a unified body of individuals; a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society”

The idea of community is so frightening to some people, that they will tell themselves a series of lies to keep themselves ‘safe’, and far from the place of authentic friendships. In Girl Talk, there are 3 lies that Jen Hatmaker outlines:

Inner Lie #1: I don’t really need anyone else
Society tells us we should strive to be independent – as if it were an admirable quality. And we buy into the lie and deceive ourselves. If we can’t see a need for having other people in our lives, then we won’t allow others to share in our lives.

Read Colossians 2:1-5 where Paul explains the benefits of love and unity. In verse 4, Paul warns us to, “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of the world rather than on Christ.”

Inner Lie #2: I don’t want you deeply in my life
Sometimes in order to protect our hearts, we convince ourselves that we not only don’t need other women, but we don’t want them either. We might tell ourselves that it’s too complicated or play the ‘what if’ game: what if she talks about me behind my back …

We are relational beings because God created us for relationships. It is natural to desire deep relationships, even while we are pretending we don’t.

Inner Lie #3: Being vulnerable would be catastrophic
This is another opportunity for us to play the ‘what if’ game… What if she hurts my feelings, what will people think of me, what might happen?

What if … you admitted your struggle with anger, would anyone die? What if you allowed a close friendship to happen and you shared your insecurities with a friend. And what if she totally understood and helped you to have a new perspective on it?

Just take a minute to think about it - What lies are you telling yourself in this area? Trust God to help you kick those lies to the curb! Pray for the lies to be exposed, and ask God for the Spirit of truth to rule in your heart.

Girl Talk: To Tell The Truth

“Truth has been mistaken as an enemy for centuries because truth can’t be manipulated and stay truth. It is what it is. If it’s horrible, it’s horrible. If it’s humiliating, it’s humiliating. You can’t spin the truth without losing its essence.” (Jen Hatmaker, Girl Talk)

Have you ever tried to make the truth a little less factual, and found yourself right in the middle of a big fat lie? Maybe not on purpose. Maybe you just didn’t want to recognize a few little pieces of the truth. Sometimes it’s difficult to accept what is true, especially when it doesn’t look like we want it to. We all want to be ‘good’, and when the truth indicates that we are ‘bad’, it creates a great struggle within us. But God is not surprised at the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ in each of us, and that is why He came up with a solution for the fallen Human race. He sent a perfect Savior to bridge the gap, Who came to us full of truth and grace! (John 1:14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”)

Jesus can reconcile what is true about us with His grace. Remember, grace is not earned, it is freely given! He already knows the truth about each one of us, and He loves us regardless.

You might be wondering what all of that has to do with the topic of friendship, which we have been talking about. Well, it has A LOT to do it with it!

Truth is the foundation for every healthy relationship.

Well-known coauthors and psychologists Cloud and Townsend wrote, “People who can’t reconcile either their own or anyone else’s faults suffer tremendous isolation because they are unable to attach to real, whole people who are both good and bad. The ideals of what ‘should’ be get in the way.”

If we want to have healthy relationships, it is important for us to stop and take inventory of how we are dealing with the truth in our lives. Whether it’s a truth about yourself that God has revealed to you, something a friend has spoken, or the short-comings of another person, sometimes the truth hurts. When the truth is hard to swallow – how are you handling it? Are you living on the grace side of things, or are you holding on to those hurts that persevere with isolation and loneliness?

If Jesus can face the truth about you or the people around you, don’t you think it’s time for you to as well? Allow Jesus to heal those tender places and give you liberty in your relationships with family and friends. Truth is the foundation for every healthy relationship. It’s time to move forward in truth and grace!

God, please help me to accept the truth, and to recognize the truth as my ally. Help me to have mercy and not judge when I see faults in myself or others. I declare that right now, I am letting go of anything negative I have held on to that is keeping me from moving forward in relationships. I ask that Your truth and grace would cover me, and that peace would reign in each relationship. Lord, help me to offer grace to others as You have so freely given to me. I pray You would bring healing, reconciliation, and restoration where needed, and that each relationship would bring glory to You. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen!

Girl Talk

I’ve been reading Girl Talk to dig deeper into God’s perspective on friendships and to challenge myself to do it God’s way. I am privileged to be on this journey alongside other wonderful women God has connected me with through my neighborhood, my community and especially my awesome church - CANVAS Church!

I have always valued friendships and tried to be diligent about growing and preserving the relationships that I have with others. But I must admit that at times it can be quite difficult to prioritize when there are so many things competing for my attention … husband, kids, dinner, laundry, sports, music lessons, bill paying, house cleaning, church functions, etc. In fact, there have been times I have felt that friendship time must be optional when faced with the choice like having a clean house or a latte with a friend. But to be honest, Girls, we need each other. God created us as relational beings – first to in relationship with Him (love God) and secondly to be in relationship with others (love people).

Matthew 22: 37–39 Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”

In fact, most women define themselves by their relationships: I am a mom of two, a wife of 10 years, the youngest daughter, a sister. Or: My daughter and I are at odds. My husband and I are totally happy. This is who we are.

And what does God say about relationships? In the beginning, God said “It is not good for man to be alone.” God created us in His image, and designed us to be in relationship with Him and each other. That’s God’s game plan for us.

He never intended for us to be alone or isolated, but that is what Satan would have you to believe. That’s why we, as Christians, are always under attack. We have an enemy that knows his best tool is to divide and conquer. To separate us from each other so that we fail to love and encourage each other.

So what are we to do with such an enemy? Satan can only take what we give him, so let’s refuse to walk into his trap! Be aware of his schemes, and refuse to give him space.

In Ephesians 4: 2-3, Paul instructs us as to how we should treat each other. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

Make EVERY effort. Not just some, but every effort. That tells me that at times it might take all that we have to be humble, gentle, patient, etc. But nevertheless, we are expected to do it! Why? Because it keeps unity in the body of Christ.

You can read more about it in Ephesians chapter 4. And there is a great example of this in 2 Corinthians 2: 5-10, as Paul writes a letter to the Church @ Corinth, when one of their own had caused great grief in the church. The people of the church basically ‘punished’ this person with their actions toward him, and Paul instructed them to forgive and comfort him and to reaffirm their love for him. Even though this person might have seemingly ‘deserved’ this type of response, it was not good for the people to continue in that way. It could aid the enemies’ schemes and eventually allow him to outwit God’s people. (See 2 Corinthians 2:8-11). And most importantly, it was prohibiting the unity of the church.

When we are aware of the enemies’ schemes and we refuse to give him place in our relationships, we effectively handcuff his plot to divide and conquer.

When we are aware of God’s plan for our relationships, and we make every effort to keep the peace and unity of them, we are continually keeping the body of Christ in unity as well.

Why is it so important to keep the body of Christ in unity? The answer can be found in John 17:22-23

John 17: 22-23 “I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one. I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”

It is a witness to the world, so they may know Jesus by what they see in us. What are your relationships saying to those around you? If you aren’t sure, just take the Paul Challenge this week, and see how you do. Are you humble, gentle, patient with your family and friends? Are you making every effort to keep unity?

If God is using the Paul Challenge to help your relationships grow toward godliness, I’d love to hear about it. Be sure to post a comment!