Girl Talk: Unsafe People

Hi Girls, I’m so glad you are joining us for week 3 of Girl Talk. So far we have chatted about God’s plan for friendships, and learned that truth is the foundation for every healthy relationship. We’ve uncovered lies we tell ourselves and God, and we’ve looked at a face-to-face encounter with Jesus. Now we are about to plunge into some of the nitty-gritty of friendships – where we will talk about safe and unsafe people – and how to make safe choices about our friendships. So, let’s jump in …

Mean girls. Do you remember how old you were when you learned that girls could be terrible to each other? Chances are, there was a specific time in your life when you came to the realization that not all relationships are safe. As we move forward, it’s critical to evaluate the friends we’ll be moving forward with. We need to be able to recognize unsafe people when we see them. Let’s look at the 3 types of unsafe people that Jen outlines in Girl Talk …

Unsafe People, Type #1: Abandoners
These are the friends who start a relationship but can’t finish it. In the beginning they are enthusiastic and so into us, but the second things aren’t easy, they are out of there! They don’t understand what a faithful relationship looks like because they have most likely been abandoned themselves.

We need friends who will go the distance with us. Friends who will stick around when things aren’t going our way; when our marriage is struggling, our kids are out of control, or the job throws us a curve ball. That’s when abandoners check out. And that’s also when a real friend checks in. She checks in to encourage you and remind you that you are the apple of God’s eye.

Warning signs of abandoners:
*Blames other people, God, anything else rather than taking responsibility for her life
*Stays angry and bitter
*Consumed with “I” instead of “you” or “we”
*Avoids closeness instead of really connecting
*You are the giver; she is the taker
*You walk on eggshells – feeling responsible for her stability
*Unstable with commitments in general
*Unable to function in a crisis

Unsafe People, Type #2: Critics
Taking on the parental role, this kind of girl will offer much condemnation, and she will call it ‘helpfulness’. Nothing is her fault and she is always right. There is little room for grace with her.

It’s true that we need a friend to challenge us, but that doesn’t mean we should be criticized. When one person is always elevated over another, that relationship is a fake. The key idea is balance; look for shared value, esteem and respect.

Warning signs of critics:
*Never admits her own weakness
*Cannot be confronted without responding with defensiveness
*Self-righteous, never humble
*Her opinions are law – and made well-known
*Does not respect a different opinion – withdraws emotionally or acts condemning
*Sees you as inferior and treats you that way
*You feel like a kid around her; you feel controlled and become compliant

Unsafe People, Type #3: Irresponsibles
You will notice that these friends can’t seem to take care of themselves or anyone else. Getting them to follow through is like pulling teeth. These friends may be super fun to hang out with, but they are simply not dependable; always late, always a mess, never standing by her word.

Let’s find friends who do what they say they will. Jesus said, “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and your ‘No’ be ‘No’” (Matthew 5:37). A promise made is worth nothing until the promise is kept.

Warning signs of irresponsibles:
*Often in financial crisis due to irresponsible spending
*Needs friends who will protect her and tell her what to do
*Avoids dealing with her problems
*Always flatters you and never confronts your actions
*You feel like her parent
*She frequently lets you down
*You apologize to others and make excuses for her
*You pick up her slack
*You resent her

Unsafe people make growing mutual relationships impossible. But, it does take two to make it work, and if we allow unsafe behavior, we can’t complain.

The smart believer evaluates her inner circle and makes careful girlfriend choices. Jesus chose 12 disciples, and he welcomed 3 even closer. We should follow His example: Jesus was kind and friendly to everyone, but He intentionally selected those who were closest to Him.

Now that you have an idea of what to look for, you are probably already comparing your friends or yourself to see which profile you fit: abandoner, critic, irresponsible. It would be wise to take some time and ask God what he thinks about your friendships. Pray for discernment for your current friendships, even if it’s painful. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you the toxic (unsafe) friends in your life, and to show you what to do about them. Also, pray that God would show you any unsafe behavior you have toward your friends, and be willing to let Him change you. God’s desire is for us to have healthy friendships, and He can help anyone to be a safe friend.