Girl Talk: Opening Up

As we begin our fourth week together in Girl Talk, I pray that you are being challenged in your friendships – not only in what kinds of friends you have, but what kind of friend you are, too.

Opening up to another woman and talking with her beyond the casual conversation can sometimes be hard. But, I think we can all agree that talking is how women connect, and is at the very heart of women’s friendships. This is where we test the waters and little by little we build up trust in each other as we dialogue.

But sometimes if we have been hurt or betrayed by a friend, we allow ourselves to fall into the mode of self-protection. This is when we shrink back from truthful dialogue and we allow fear to keep us from future relationships.

In Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, John Powell discussed five levels of communication, ranging from the most guarded to total relational freedom (slightly condensed by me):

Level Five: Cliché Conversation
This is the conversation of the cocktail party, the club meeting, church lobby: “How are you? How’re the kids? I like your shoes …” There is absolutely no sharing of real self. It’s obligatory, polite chitchat, void of true connection.

Level Four: Reporting the Facts About Others
This is a small step forward, but we still expose almost nothing of ourselves. We talk about what she did and what they’re planning. It’s not about me or you, but them or that. Just the facts.

Level Three: My Ideas and Judgments
This is the first time we step cautiously out. I’ll tell you my conclusions on stuff. “I like this. I don’t like that. I think this about that.” This level is a little dicey though; we are watching the other person closely. (I think at this point, we base our next move on their reactions.)

Level Two: My Feeling (Emotions) “Gut Level”
This level is our goal. Surprisingly, there is much more to share after our ideas are broadcasted. It is our feelings about those things that truly communicate who we are. And it is here we progress to the deep end. “I think you are a great … and I really admire you.” Or, “I think you … and I’m jealous.” This gut-level communication is where it gets real.

Level One: Peak Communication
This is one step beyond gut-level communication and is not a permanent experience. This is the connection that happens between two people when they share a moment so perfectly … as in a crisis or victory. Each woman knows that her reactions are shared completely by her friend.

Can you identify with any of those levels? I think there are appropriate situations for each level, but remember, we are talking about friendships here. If you find yourself consistently operating at level three, four or five within your ‘friendships’, maybe you need to step it up a level.

As Jen says in Girl Talk, “There is a point, Dear Girlfriends, when we move from sharing the facts to sharing our lives. After safety is established and trust is earned, it is delightful to invite a friend into the knowledge of you. Paul was right. It is from this place that we truly begin growing in the body of Christ, as Jesus wanted to all along. We discover that our honesty is not a burden on each other, but a treasure. There is nothing more valuable you can offer your friend than yourself. Give it away.”

Paul is a great example of being a friend and opening up, even after being persecuted in some very hard ways. He still continued to share his heart and make those connections with others. You can read more about it in the Bible – 1 Thessalonians 2:1-8

Is there anyone that you share gut-level communication with? If not, what is holding you back?

Does anyone share gut-level communication with you? If so, how do you respond?

Be honest with God about how you feel about gut-level communication. Tell Him your concerns and ask for His insight. Allow God to minister to you as you listen.