Guest Blog: Speaking of Girl Talk and laughing together...

For those of you who have not been a part of the Girl Talk connect group, I want to encourage you to jump in and make it a priority the next season connect groups are going.

For Laura's group, I would hide in the back bedroom with Ali (our Golden Retriever) while the ladies had fun in the front of the house. From where I was, you couldn't hear the goings-on, but I sure could hear the laughter. And there was a TON of it. Sometimes they would all get to laughing so much it made me laugh just hearing them! I was rejoicing in my spirit knowing that the memories and friendships that were starting, growing, and strengthening were all to God's glory.

When we 'do life' together, friendships are developed and those are the bonds that hold us up when we go through the valleys that Christ spoke of, which are sure to come at some point. We all have the potential to take ourselves and this life too seriously at times, and getting together with friends is a great way to keep everything in perspective and stay grounded. If we are not celebrating and loving this life that Christ died so that we could prosper in, what else is there. How are we a testimony to God's love and blessings if we are beat down and overcome by the world?

Tonight was the wrap up party for Girl Talk, and I can say that from the laughter and fun that I could hear from the other end of the house - those ladies really know how to laugh together! I am sure that every lady present over the last few weeks has had to make sacrifices to be here, but as Jen said in Girl Talk “I don’t want to breathe my last breath filled with regret. I don’t want to say, “I wish I had …”

Girl Talk: Laugh Together

In my opinion, one of the things girls do best together is LAUGH! You can catch us sharing funny stories over dinner, or giggling at the check-out line together. We know how to have fun, laugh until we cry and can be just plain silly with each other. And it’s okay - more than okay. It’s enjoying life together. It’s making memories.

Girls, it is so important for us to spend time with girlfriends laughing and enjoying life together. There are so many ways you can ‘set the scene’ for a little fun: Girls’ Night Out, run a 5k together, check out a movie, tell funny stories or jokes over dinner. With a little extra planning, you could organize a sleepover, rent a log cabin for a night, or take a road trip together. There you have all the ingredients you need to get started; the rest just comes natural.

The key is to purpose to do it. Purpose means to set as an aim, intention, or goal for oneself. We all have crazy schedules, along with 50 other really good excuses about why we can’t, or don’t have time. But the old adage is true; you will make time for what is important to you. And Girls, this should be important to you. Why should this be important to you?

Jen had this to say in Girl Talk: “I don’t want to breathe my last breath filled with regret. I don’t want to say, “I wish I had …” I want a life full of memories and albums full of pictures. I want my old, wrinkled, gray-headed girlfriends to sit on the porch with me and laugh about our adventures. I want to show my grandchildren pictures of me and my friends standing in Times Square, arms linked. I want to run this race for the prize of unity, laughter, and a fully lived life.”

I want that. I want no regrets. I want friends to the end. And I want to leave a legacy for my daughter to have godly girlfriends who will love her, laugh with her, and go the distance with her until the very end.

Don’t you?

It’s never too late to start living life to the fullest, and making memories you will cherish forever. I’m praying for you this week; that you will purpose to make it happen! And although I can’t see your beautiful faces, God sees, and He knows exactly what you need right now. I trust Him to minister to each of you right where you are.

Girl Talk: Give Grace

Have you ever had a friend that you seemed to be polar opposites with? Maybe she was passionate about her career, and you felt strongly about not working outside the home. You love this part of town, she likes the other. You differ on child-rearing issues, political views, and the list goes on. Well, we all have our ‘bents’ or preferences that make us who we are, and this gives us a great need for grace!

Girl Talk excerpt: “Dear Girls, let your friend be herself. She doesn’t have to be you. You may not agree with her, but give her grace in her preferences as long as they aren’t hurting her. If she thinks this and you think that, it’s okay! Let’s widen the space we live in together. It is the immature heart that won’t allow for diversity. It’s probably not that you are so against her ideas, but her differing opinion feels like an indictment on your own. Maturity understands that her choices are not about you. Resist the urge to project them in to your experience and celebrate them in her life instead.”

Here’s what the Bible has to say about our differences:

Colossians 3:12-13 “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.”

There will likely be times in friendships when one person messes up and blows things. Our first instinct usually is to put down or push away the other person. But what we really need to do is bite our tongues and do away with the sarcastic remarks we feel like saying. This is when we should forget about defending ourselves and our position, and instead we put our arms around our friend’s neck and offer her grace. The grace to just be herself, and to just be your ‘safe’ friend.

Girls, we need to understand that we are not each others’ enemy. But we do have an enemy who will give us places to stumble whenever he can, and when our friend walks into the trap, she is often left filled with shame and regret. So we must forgive as Jesus did, offer grace and hold our friend up, and move on together.

Think about it … what if you were the friend that blew it? Wouldn’t you want that same grace and forgiveness offered to you?

God’s plan is for us to have safe friends that will go the distance with us, and He is more than able to heal the hurts that we cause each other. Girls, is there a friendship you have pushed away from because of hurt feelings or differing opinions? Is there a situation where grace was not extended, and you feel distanced from your friend? If so, pray and ask God to help you with those feelings. Ask Him to fill you with mercy and grace, and to help you forgive your friend and to receive forgiveness from her as well.

Girl Talk: Give Time

Welcome Back Girls - I missed you last week. This next week we will focus on Friendship Builders; things we can and should do to build strong friendships. One of the most important ways we can build great friendships, is by spending time together. This is so fundamental, because it is the only way we will truly get to know each other. That is when we recognize that we can identify with each other – in so many ways!

Girls, we must be willing to invest our time in friendships if we expect to have the heart-to-heart, deep relationships that we desire. It’s not going to ‘just happen’ – we have to purpose to and devote ourselves to have great friendships.

As Jen says in Girl Talk, “Time together affords women immense relief because it allows us to become aware of the many things we have in common. You can’t get to school on time either? Your kids are fighting like Nazi’s, too? You’re suffocating in guilt like I am?. We learn from each other. There is nothing we are completely alone in.” “Outside of time together, we can’t experience this camaraderie. Women begin to feel isolated, shamed: Surely no one feels like I do. I’m the only one who struggles with this. God brings us together, and there is marvelous unity in our common ground. It becomes holy ground.”

Friendships that are healthy can offer so much: laughter, support, companionship, encouragement, etc. Sometimes it’s helping you to move forward when you can’t do it yourself: cooking a meal, keeping your kids when you are sick, cleaning your house during the surgery of a loved one. Many times friends offer rest; a safe place to feel normal in the midst of chaos or tragedy. When nothing else is normal, a great friend will also help you to set boundaries so you can get back to what is normal again.

Plain and simple – we need each other. And if we are too busy to love each other and be that friend –then we are just too busy! We must love our friends and serve them with our time. Of course, there has to be a balance and our families will require more time than our friends. But we must make some time for those friendships.

Jen paints quite a picture for us in Girl Talk, “Time is the breeding ground for memories, inside jokes, stories. It is where you and I progress from knowing about each other to knowing each other. It’s how we make room for playing and laughing together. Time becomes service, offered through the loving hands of girlfriends. It is a string of moments in which we heal, grieve, grow. They are just minutes, but in them we find out we are not alone. You cannot put a value on that kind of discovery.”

I know for most of us, time is a major sacrifice, and it is the thing we have the least of to give away. Girls, the kind of friendships we are talking about here, are so worth the sacrifice. I know how busy we all are, and all the things we have left on our “to do” lists; the activities, the meetings, the laundry. But will it all crumble if you take an hour to have coffee with someone who needs encouragement? Will your house turn to ash while you have a 30 minute conversation with a friend? Maybe – just maybe, that 30 minutes will give you the encouragement you need to keep going when it feels like you can’t. What if that hour of coffee with a friend preserved your sanity and refreshed you to be a sweeter wife and more nurturing mom that afternoon?

So, here we have an opportunity to minister to one another through sacrifice, just as our Lord and Savior did for us. He gave up the very breath He had – He gave His life so we could be in relationship with Him. All we have to do is give up a little time to be in relationship with each other. So, what are you waiting for? Won’t you ask God to evaluate your time, and help you to have a healthy balance with it? Ask Him to show you what portion is good to give to your friends. Then call a friend, get out your calendar, and set a date! You’ll be glad you did.

Talk Like an Ephesian (To the tune of Walk Like an Egyptian :o)

Well Girls, we are officially over half way through our discussion on Girl Talk, and there have been some pretty intense topics along the way. Hang in there, because from here on out we focus on how to make our friendships better.

Yesterday we talked about speaking honestly in friendships, and today we’ll dig a little deeper with how that should ‘look’, according to God. We are venturing out of the Girl Talk book and primarily into the Bible for this one. I’ll add my comments along the way, and would love to hear yours as well – so be sure to leave your comments at the end (click on the word ‘comments’ at the bottom of this post). That would be a great way to learn from each others’ perspective. So, here we go …

Ephesians 4:20–24
“You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Now, if you have been a Christian for more than a few hours, you probably know first-hand how challenging it can be to ‘put off the old self’. Our minds and bodies have had lots of practice being the person we were before we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior. So it makes sense that we should re-train our minds and bodies to live the correct way in Christ.

Ephesians 4:25–27
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and give the devil a foothold.”

It’s clear that every one of us has an ‘old self’ that is going to be prone to falsehood (being untruthful) toward our neighbor. We are instructed to stop lying or distorting the truth. At times you might be angry, but you should resolve the matter by the end of the day. If not, you will be allowing the devil a place in your relationships.

Ephesians 4:29
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

This is a very high standard that we should all aspire to – speaking only healthy words. Wouldn’t you agree that it can be very hard to do? It’s so natural to speak ‘whatever’ comes to mind. That’s why it’s so important for us to renew our minds, so that ‘whatever’ comes to it will be wholesome in the first place!

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”

Do you know how to renew your mind? We renew our minds as we read the Bible. We renew our minds as we hear God’s Word. As we allow His Word to come into our minds, it teaches us the right way, changes the way we think, and causes us to be more like Jesus.

Ephesians 4:30-31
“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

So, when we hold on to the negative emotions of bitterness and anger, or when we speak negative, unhealthy words, we are grieving the Holy Spirit of God.

Have you ever thought about why this grieves the Holy Spirit?

Maybe there is more than one correct answer for this, but I found one that seems right to me. If we back up just a little and check out the verses just before where we started in Ephesians, we can see that Paul was giving instructions. He was instructing on how ‘not to be’. Let’s look at it.

Ephesians 4:17-18
“So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. (Gentiles, referring to those who aren’t Christians). They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.”

This says to me, that in their futile (useless, not good for anything) thinking, their hearts were hardened which separated them from God. I think that if we continually hold on to negative thoughts and emotions, such as anger and malice, our hearts will harden. It is certainly the opposite of renewing our minds, and therefore we become less like Christ in the process.

Ephesians 4:32
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.”

The Bible teaches us to forgive, and if we don’t, then God won’t forgive us for our sins (Matthew 6:14-15). If our sins aren’t forgiven, the sin separates us from God as well. This is another reason I believe it grieves the Holy Spirit.

It’s God’s plan for us to be kind and compassionate to each other. His desire is for us to have community and real relationships, and when we do that, we are creating unity in the body of Christ.

Would you take a minute and just think about these verses in Ephesians, and how they might apply to you? Do you find yourself reverting back to the ‘old way’ you used to speak? Are you holding on to some negative feelings toward a friend? Do you need to apologize or forgive someone?

If so, now is the time to take care of it – before the sun goes down again. God already knows – so right here, right now - just ask the Lord to help you. To help you forgive someone or sincerely apologize to a friend. Maybe you have been grieving the Holy Spirit and you want to ask God to forgive you for doing that. Whatever the situation is, God is waiting to forgive you and equip you to have the real relationships He designed just for you!

Girl Talk: Permission to Speak Honestly

Yesterday was all about gut-level communication in friendships, and today we will continue on that thread. When you have a friendship on that level of communication, your emotions come out into the open. For most of us, we think being that honest will bring tension into our relationships. Especially if we have a friend that is doing something that hurts us, and we are worried about what might happen if she found out how we really feel. We begin to cover up our true feelings, and by doing so we, “make a calculated decision not to speak openly because we attach a higher value on keeping the peace than on authenticity.” (Jen Hatmaker, Girl Talk)

The danger with just keeping the peace is that it is Satan’s secret for us. He knows that by not acknowledging the problem we don’t remain neutral at all. We begin to resent the hurtful actions or keep score as to how often it happens. All the while launching as assault on unity and ruing the relationship with our negative feelings.

Hmmm. That’s pretty intense to think about. Do you have a friend who is unaware of your inner struggle with her? Is there an attitude or habit that is driving a wedge between you and your friend?

Did you answer ‘yes’ to either of those questions? If so, what worries you about speaking the truth to your friend? Is your relationship working well under those conditions? Is your silence worth your heartache? And are you really doing your friend any favors by ignoring the problem? Is it helping her to grow?

It may be hard to imagine, but it is possible to speak truthfully and maintain love in friendships. Remember, Jesus came to us full of truth and grace. You can also offer grace while sharing a hard truth with a friend. And when you do, that opens the door for God to work on your behalf. Not only can God preserve your friendship, but He can use it to mature both of you and use you for His kingdom.

God did this very thing with Peter & Paul. They were very close friends who were at odds with each other over the Jews and their law (circumcision) versus the Gentiles and salvation. Not only were they in danger of allowing this to become a wedge between them, but the issue also threatened to split the early church. They eventually met with a council and discussed the honest issues, and through it the issues were resolved and their relationship was strengthened. God used it as a time of maturing them individually, and He fortified their friendship in the process.

Read about it for yourself:

Galatians 2:7-10 Peter & Paul – Brothers in Christ

Galatians 2:11-16 Circumcision vs. Salvation

Acts 16:6-12 God uses the honest conversation to for His purposes: to stretch them and preserve their friendship.

Girls, God can do the same in your relationships. Ask Him for wisdom, discernment, and kindness, and He will give you His favor.

Girl Talk: Opening Up

As we begin our fourth week together in Girl Talk, I pray that you are being challenged in your friendships – not only in what kinds of friends you have, but what kind of friend you are, too.

Opening up to another woman and talking with her beyond the casual conversation can sometimes be hard. But, I think we can all agree that talking is how women connect, and is at the very heart of women’s friendships. This is where we test the waters and little by little we build up trust in each other as we dialogue.

But sometimes if we have been hurt or betrayed by a friend, we allow ourselves to fall into the mode of self-protection. This is when we shrink back from truthful dialogue and we allow fear to keep us from future relationships.

In Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, John Powell discussed five levels of communication, ranging from the most guarded to total relational freedom (slightly condensed by me):

Level Five: Cliché Conversation
This is the conversation of the cocktail party, the club meeting, church lobby: “How are you? How’re the kids? I like your shoes …” There is absolutely no sharing of real self. It’s obligatory, polite chitchat, void of true connection.

Level Four: Reporting the Facts About Others
This is a small step forward, but we still expose almost nothing of ourselves. We talk about what she did and what they’re planning. It’s not about me or you, but them or that. Just the facts.

Level Three: My Ideas and Judgments
This is the first time we step cautiously out. I’ll tell you my conclusions on stuff. “I like this. I don’t like that. I think this about that.” This level is a little dicey though; we are watching the other person closely. (I think at this point, we base our next move on their reactions.)

Level Two: My Feeling (Emotions) “Gut Level”
This level is our goal. Surprisingly, there is much more to share after our ideas are broadcasted. It is our feelings about those things that truly communicate who we are. And it is here we progress to the deep end. “I think you are a great … and I really admire you.” Or, “I think you … and I’m jealous.” This gut-level communication is where it gets real.

Level One: Peak Communication
This is one step beyond gut-level communication and is not a permanent experience. This is the connection that happens between two people when they share a moment so perfectly … as in a crisis or victory. Each woman knows that her reactions are shared completely by her friend.

Can you identify with any of those levels? I think there are appropriate situations for each level, but remember, we are talking about friendships here. If you find yourself consistently operating at level three, four or five within your ‘friendships’, maybe you need to step it up a level.

As Jen says in Girl Talk, “There is a point, Dear Girlfriends, when we move from sharing the facts to sharing our lives. After safety is established and trust is earned, it is delightful to invite a friend into the knowledge of you. Paul was right. It is from this place that we truly begin growing in the body of Christ, as Jesus wanted to all along. We discover that our honesty is not a burden on each other, but a treasure. There is nothing more valuable you can offer your friend than yourself. Give it away.”

Paul is a great example of being a friend and opening up, even after being persecuted in some very hard ways. He still continued to share his heart and make those connections with others. You can read more about it in the Bible – 1 Thessalonians 2:1-8

Is there anyone that you share gut-level communication with? If not, what is holding you back?

Does anyone share gut-level communication with you? If so, how do you respond?

Be honest with God about how you feel about gut-level communication. Tell Him your concerns and ask for His insight. Allow God to minister to you as you listen.